How to Have Hard Conversations - Part III
Setting Your Expectations
Want to read this series from the beginning? Start here.
Before moving into a conversation where you’re hoping to shift someone’s viewpoint on something, it’s important to be clear on your own motivations, assumptions, and expectations. As I mentioned in Part Two of this series, the only way to have a truly productive conversation is to be willing to examine your own beliefs, thoughts, and actions. First, let go of any assumptions you might have about what the person you’re talking to believes in and why. Even if you’ve heard them talk about the issue a thousand times, you have an opportunity to listen with an open heart and learn more about what’s behind the beliefs. Assuming positive (or at least neutral) intent from the person you’re talking to is important because offering the person you’re talking to a clean slate in your own mind will help prep you for success in your conversation.
Speaking of success, it’s also important to level set your expectations for the outcome of the conversation. Changing their mind about something is probably not a reasonable or achievable goal in one conversation—nor should it be. If you can persuade someone to do a complete turnaround in their thinking about an issue in one chat, chances are, so can the next person they talk to. And the one after that. Meaningful shifts in beliefs happen over time, and usually with an alignment of thoughts, values, and emotions.
One of the four agreements in Courageous Conversations About Race™ is to “expect and accept non-closure.” This is not an easy undertaking. Walking away from a conversation that feels unfinished goes against our neurobiological impulse for meaning-making (i.e. the story needs an ending). It also contradicts our (colonialist, capitalist, patriarchal) cultural conditioning that dictates binary thinking, rugged individualism, and quick fixes.
Rushing someone through a conversation to get them to agree with your conclusions is unlikely to have the desired effect and may cause more harm than good. This approach more likely to lead to an argument, which may be unproductive. It could also result in them pretending to agree just to keep the peace. Both of these outcomes can potentially damage trust and connection.
Dismantling things like racism, sexism, ableism, xenophobia, and homophobia is a community responsibility. This means that you can do your part to move the needle with someone, but it isn’t your responsibility to change their mind. The opportunity of any conversation is to plant seeds of new ideas or ways of looking at something. If the conversation sparks even a small shift or idea that sticks with them, it creates an opportunity for something (or someone) else to continue to evolve their thinking.
Opening a dialogue is a far more powerful tool than having a debate. Respectful dialogue is built on trust and a sense of mutual respect and connection. Beginning a conversation where you deeply listen and invite someone to examine their own beliefs opens up space for real change. It invites you to explore the nuances of your own thoughts and creates the potential to bring both of you to new understanding and perspectives.
Next time, I’ll talk about how to manage your own emotions and stay curious during your conversation. In the meantime, I’d love to hear how this series is landing for you. What is (or isn’t) resonating? What questions do you have?